Can I Have 1991 Back?

I have a few days to go before the semester begins, so the only thing I really have to do is go into work at my campus job, and by job, I mean "place where I get to roam the internet freely." Today was just like any other day, where I am given about 1.5 hours of work to do in a 4 hour time frame, so I'll often sit with a note pad and jot down random things. I often do this after reading the New York Times. And all the New York Times tells me is how shitty the world is, and how nearly every single Democratic Black Leader hates Obama, so I'm usually not in the best of moods. For some reason today, I wrote "emocons," cracked myself up, and then wrote "vast emocon conspiracy" with badly drawn doodlings of various members of the Bush administration with hair swoops, hoodies and ugly tattoos. (Note: like neo-cons, neoconservatives. if you don't get that this might seem odd.) I then wrote shitty "emocon" poetry of President Bush trying to justify the Iraq War, which consisted of the following:

Black, inconsequential death.

WMD's

falling
falling
falling
falling

A Child cries, Saddam lies...

I could be my daddy.

I then proceeded to make a list of why I liked 1991 better. My stream of consciousness has more tributaries than the Mississippi River.

1991 or 2008?

American Gladiators

You gotta give it to the old school Gladiators. They didn't have all this HGH, "the creme" and "the clear crap." You know what Malibu had? Anabolic steroids and horse tranquilizers. Now that's a real man.

Madonna

Madonna really had a good 1991. She more or less tried to stick with her strengths, as the magazine cover shows. In 2008, now she wants to be a "musician." Look at me, I'm holding a guitar that's short of shaped like a V hee hee hee. I'm nearly 50, but look at how great I look, never mind the only thing I have to do is drink Kabbalah water and ruin Guy Ritchie's career by making him cast me in movies!

Do me a favor Madonna: if a phallic object isn't near your mouth, don't bother opening it.

Metallica

I know most of you think I am a shitty emo kid, of course I am. But even I respect the total badass that Metallica used to be. Ride the Lighting, ...And Justice For All. That is the shit, right there. I'm even a fan of post-Cliff Burton Metallica. Jason Newstead probably eats rocks, and that's everything I want in a metal bassist. The Black Album, while not bringing the rock as well as other albums, still had an acceptable pain to monster song ratio. Now? Lars Ulrich tries to hide his baldness and Napolean Complex by going to art auctions and suing his fans.

Britney Spears

Now really, in conjunction with the picture on the right, any picture would look better by comparison. At least in 1991 Britney looked normal with a normal upbringing. We all know now, what with her kid sister getting knocked up, that this probably wasn't the case. Is there a worse mother than Lynne Spears? Dick Cheney has a better maternal instinct.

Hannah Montana/ Miley Cyrus

One of the best parts of 1991 was, of course, that Miley Cyrus didn't exist. We were still a full eighteen months before the spawning of this devil child. Apparently it isn't just a television show, it's also a full concert tour. Mothers wait days in line, pay upwards of $2000 per ticket, and Cyrus doesn't even perform the whole show. The only question that really remains is which Jonas Brother she is boning. Notice that I could have used Zach Efron from High School Musical to advance the same argument instead of Miley Cyrus -- he wears so much eye liner and foundation that I wouldn't even need a different picture.

George W. Bush

Who knew that drafting Sammy Sosa would prove to be the best decision he ever made as an executive? We found out, though, that being a baseball owner makes you wholly prepared to run the most powerful country in the world. I liked him better when his executive decisions involved team-building, not nation-building.